a friendly tip: if you feel the urge to self harm get an ice cube and hold it in your hand for a while. it relieves the compulsion in a less destructive way. therapists have used this with their patients and i have tried it myself it works pretty well
Okay wow this is now my favourite post on Tumblr. Signal boost into infinity.
My mom’s a therapist and she recommends this to people all the time
boys cry girls masturbate boys can like pink and not be gay girls can have short hair and not be a lesbian boys can like ballet girls can like video games boys can be hot without a six pack girls can be hot without a hairless body boys can have hair down to their waists girls can have stretch marks, curves and back fat
gender doesn’t determine what you can and cannot enjoy, what you can and cannot look like or what you can and cannot do
when she was 7, a boy pushed her on the playground
she fell headfirst into the dirt and came up with a mouthful of gravel and lines of blood chasing each other down her legs
when she told her teacher what happened, she laughed and said ‘boys will be boys honey don’t let it bother you
he probably just thinks you’re cute’
but the thing is,
when you tell a little girl who has rocks in her teeth and scabs on her knees that hurt and attention are the same
you teach her that boys show their affection through aggression
and she grows into a young woman who constantly mistakes the two
because no one ever taught her the difference
‘boys will be boys’
‘that’s how he shows his love’
and bruises start to feel like the imprint of lips
she goes to school with a busted mouth in high school and says she was hit with a basketball instead of his fist
the one adult she tells scolds her
‘you know he loses his temper easily
why the hell did you have to provoke him?’
so she shrinks
folds into herself, flinches every time a man raises his voice
by the time she’s 16 she’s learned her job well
be quiet, be soft, be easy
don’t give him a reason
but for all her efforts, he still finds one
‘boys will be boys’ rings in her head
‘boys will be boys
he doesn’t mean it
he can’t help it’
she’s 7 years old on the playground again
with a mouth full of rocks and blood that tastes like copper love
because boys will be boys baby don’t you know
that’s just how he shows he cares
she’s 18 now and they’re drunk
in the split second it takes for her words to enter his ears they’re ruined
like a glass heirloom being dropped between the hands of generations
she meant them to open his arms but they curl his fists and suddenly his hands are on her and her head hits the wall and all of the goddamn words in the world couldn’t save them in this moment
she touches the bruise the next day
boys will be boys
aggression, affection, violence, love
how does she separate them when she learned so early that they’re inextricably bound, tangled in a constant tug-of-war
she draws tally marks on her walls ratios of kisses to bruises
one entire side of her bedroom turns purple, one entire side of her body
boys will be boys will be boys will be boys
when she’s 20, a boy touches her hips and she jumps
he asks her who the hell taught her to be scared like that and she wants to laugh
doesn’t he know that boys will be boys?
it took her 13 years to unlearn that lesson from the playground
so I guess what I’m trying to say is
i will talk until my voice is hoarse so that my little sister understands that aggression and affection are two entirely separate things
baby they exist in difference universes
my niece can’t even speak yet but I think I’ll start with her now
don’t ever accept the excuse that boys will be boys
don’t ever let him put his hands on you like that
if you see hate blazing in his eyes don’t you ever confuse it with love
baby love won’t hurt when it comes
you won’t have to hide it under long sleeves during the summer
the only reason he should ever reach out his hand
is to hold yours
Fortesa Latifi - Boys Will Be Boys
(And Why That Is The Stupidest Thing You Could Ever Say To A Little Girl)
Huh, your answers have helped me to calm down. It's a very good thing, the thing that you are doing. Thank you, really.
Well, I know I wish I would have had this instead of my friends who kept telling me “it could be worse” or “it’s not that bad.” I actually know what I’m talking about unlike them and I am studying psychology so if I didn’t offer my help this way I think it would make me selfish. I’m just glad Mica trusted me enough to help with this blog. I have a different style than her so I was nervous people wouldn’t receive me well. And you’re truly welcome. I mean it I know I may come off as an a hole but I just get frustrated with people’s parents or other people in their life that just tear everyone down and make them feel like poop. So I’m genuinely glad that I helped you. Come back any time.
Thank you, it's really uplifting when you think about it like that. But I'd like to specify: my parents are actually okay. I mean, I'm not a present, I've always felt like they were justified in their treatment of me. I suppose they could do better, being family and all, but they are better than most, most definitely better than most mentioned here... And that's the thing - what they say is true. Things like 'you are not cute like that', 'you are not smart enough' etc. Makes me sad.
Just because they are better than most does not mean they have the right to talk to you like that. My whole life I thought my mom was the greatest mom ever and it took until my freshman year of college in a child development class to learn my mom was mentally and somewhat physically abusive my whole life and very self centered and groomed me to be her best friend/maid. Don’t get me wrong I’m not anti-parent or anything like that, it’s just not so black and white like most people think. Every woman in my family has the genetics to be thick and we have this one cousin who is severely obese and every time my mom would see me eating something sweet or something she didn’t like she would say “If you don’t quit eating like that you’re going to be as fat as Robbin.” My cousin Robbin is 800+ pounds. Can you imagine how detrimental that was for a self conscious young preteen? So dear when your parents tell you that you’re not cute like that or that you’re not smart enough it’s not right. I don’t believe parents are supposed to fill you with false hope, but like Thumper’s mother said “if you don’t have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all.” (Or something close to that.) I have a very tough love approach with things like this and I don’t sugar coat unless I sense an overly naive or fragile person, neither of which you are. Even the most “okayist” parents are not always right in what they say.
I don't really know how to put this, so I guess I'll just start where the beginning of the pain. Around last September, I really liked this guy, let's call him A for anonymous purposes, and we started talking and getting close and I guess you could say we both liked each other and what not. Well one day his brother got his phone when I texted him and he was saying all of these horrible things about how I'll never be liked, how he doesn't even like me, how worthless I am, and all of that kind of
In my opinion, you should talk to the boy. People can say a lot of things through phones and social medias, that way you don’t know what’s going on in their minds. Maybe those messages aren’t even true, it sounds strange. Talk to him, face to face and ask him to be honest. Remain calm and objective so he feels more comfortable talking about what he thinks. I hope this helps and that everything turns out ok. Take care darling x
Hello. I am cutting myself pretty irregularly, but still. My family clearly feels like I am a nuisance - even more so, a constant irritation. They scoff when they see my cuts (although they don't anymore, I'm hiding them). And I just wanted to ask you a question that has been bothering me a lot: how can I believe the "you are not worthless" speeches? You don't know me, you don't know if I'm precious person! A lot of people are as useless as me, but how do they even find strength? How can I?
I struggle with this almost daily. I don’t really know the magic answer. People generalize and say you’re so worth it and you’re not useless, but how do you really know, right? But I hate to tell you that you touch a lot more people in life than you realize. Even if your parents are complete penis wrinkles, it may be a girl on the bus who looks at you and thinks “how strong ____ is. If she can do it I can do.” Or maybe your neighbor sees you everyday and counts on you to brighten their day even if you just nod at them on your way in. I’m sorry but you matter whether you want to believe it or not.
the main reason I cut is school. the stress and the pressure of it all. I have panic attacks literally every day because I can't stand that many people. I've talked to my parents about doing school online and they say "it's too expensive" (even though the public ones are free) and then they told me I need to get a boyfriend and blah blah blah. I feel like online school would be best for me but I don't know how to get there without telling them I cut because of school..
I mean with school related things like that I always would just think going the whole “my grades will tank if I don’t” sort of thing. It’s your business who you tell and who you don’t but if you saw a doctor or counselor and they recommended it to your parents it might give you a little more backing or your guidance counselor at school, or even a teacher that knows you well. Parents typically listen to other adults before they listen to their children unfortunately.
I rarely ever used to cut deep enough to draw blood and I only ever cut like like once a month. but for the last 2 weeks I've been cutting everyday and it always bleeds. I told my friend like 3 months ago that I cut but she never talks to me about it and that's the only person who knows. my dad is trying to get me a counsellor but apparently it's taking a while and he doesn't know anything so he's not trying too hard. what do I do to get him to hurry apart from tell him I cut? :(
I’m sorry darling. You need more support than that, it can be tough to come by when people don’t know how to handle that sort of thing. I would just express to my father that you feel if you don’t get into a counselor soon your grades are going to bottom out. Or do a little research yourself, if you know what insurance your father has call around and find out who accepts it. Make up a list and set out for him to show how serious you are about it. My mom was the same way until I wrote her a letter explaining how bad I was getting.
i just cut a few times on my left arm and i feel really bad now?? like idk it's like i'm carrying a burden or something everywhere i go and i've never cut before, i've scratched myself with either my own nails or scissors really badly but that was as far as it would go but i had a really bad urge to cut so i did and it's bleeding a bit now but i didn't cut deep at all but can you please help me feel a bit better and give me help on covering them?
First of all, cutting does not make you a horrible person. While it is unhealthy it’s your business who do and don’t tell. Since you have a prior history of self harming I would recommend trying to get in with a counselor. How to cover it depends on how big or how many there are. Something as simple as a bandaid or bracelets. Maybe wrap your arm up in an ace bandage like you sprained your wrist? -K
do small scars from cutting with a small blade from a disposable razor heal? like if they're not deep at all? also, can you give me a few excuses i could use if ppl see them?
Yes they heal quickly and do not scar. You’ll be fine and if anyone sees them say you were trying to rescue a kitten or puppy from the middle of the road. I have a hundred million scratches all over my hands and arms from my kittens and I have to tell people all the time it’s just kittens. Don’t worry so much about it, it will only stress you out more. -K
can you help me please? my best friend makes me feel like complete shit. she constantly tells me how useless i am and how ugly i am and she makes jokes if i'm talking to someone else like she'll laugh and go "that was so desperate and sad no one wants to talk to you" and i was telling her abt how nervous i am going to a new school and i said i hoped i'd make at least one friend on my first day and she just said "good luck, with that face? i don't think so" idk pls just help me
You’re not going to like what I have to say, sweetheart. You need to DUMP that friend. You are a special beautiful person and she is just trying to shred yourself confidence to make herself feel better. She is not a true friend. You need to venture this year without her and make REAL friends. Real friends don’t make you feel bad. She’s actually quite mentally abusive and you deserve 110x better than that. -K