I will try to fix you

I will try to fix you

For every falling sun, there's a morning after

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My self harming story. (Christine)

Alright, first off I wanna say this story is NOT for getting attention. I simply want to share it.

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I was seven. Seven. I remember, I’d scratch my skin off until I’d bleed. I still have a mark on my left cheek. It was second grade and I already hated myself. I had 2 friends and I was ugly.

But, that was just second grade me. After all, second graders don’t think with too much logic. Right?

Right?

No. Wrong. Very, very wrong.

In my case, at least. By 4th grade I was suicidal. I had to take sleeping pills at night because I was up until one, worrying about everything. I always thought of just pouring that little bottle down my throat.

Never happened, though. I’ve always only thought of it as my friend(also my crush)s and cats’ loss. Literally the only thing keeping me alive are Natalie and my kittens, Leo and Walter (my other cats at the time were Makana and Nani- they both passed away ;-;).

I always kept scratching, kicking and punching myself.

Up until sixth grade (Which is now).

I’m 11 years old now. I’ve been self harming since about January.

I remember, going into my brothers room, pulling out his tool box and getting a screwdriver to unscrew a pencil sharpener. The 2, round on one edge blades were sharp, and I knew they would work well.

Before, I always wanted to hurt myself. Badly. And this day, I would finally do it. Finally.

I took the blade to my skin several times, with a little pressure. I thought just scratches would be left behind. I was wrong. 

3 cuts opened up, so I immediately put pressure on them with a tissue and got some band-aids. 

Then I realized, that felt pretty damn great. 

So the next day, I did it again. Again the next day. And again the next day.

The longest I’ve been clean since then was 3 days. That’s it.

I bring this little tan box with my blade in it to school every day, and I go to the bathroom to cut myself. Everybody thinks I have to pee a lot or something.

2 weeks ago, I was at Natalie’s house. She saw my cuts, and the little tan box I have with my blade in it. Confused, she asked. I said I couldn’t tell her, but she said she wouldn’t judge and just wants to know. As close of a friend she is, I told her.

Her immediate response was, “Well, how do you do it?”. I asked why she wanted to know. She said, “Well, maybe I wanna do it sometimes. Maybe it’ll be a good stress reliever to me.”

I feel bad for getting her into this, but she’s recently stopped. Anyways, I showed her inside the tan box. We went inside and I popped the blade out of a pencil sharpener and she made about 6 cuts on her forearm, knowing she could blame it on her dog.

One week later (3 days ago), I went to her house again. Her sister saw our razors and cuts (On my thigh now- it was getting warmer out and I didn’t want my wrist to be seen). Questioning it, Natalie decided to tell her about everything. Her sister held a mini intervention with the three of us in her basement, and she said I need to stop.

So, today, I sent her a video of me flushing my blades. Except they weren’t my blades- I pulled them out of another pencil sharpener.

She thinks I stopped.

Good thing I don’t wear short shorts.

And as I type this, I’m holding my bloodied-up blade, regretting nothing.

I’m doing this instead of homework. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about posting this or not.. Finally decided I should do it, since she’s just wanting to share this and I try to be impartial with everyone. But the problem is, I’m against everything that make you think cutting is ‘good’. That’s the point of my blog after all, helping people to stop. So, I’m sharing this just because I can’t deny her the right to share her own story. And really really hope she changes her mind about self harm one day.

-M

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Anonymous asked: Hi, I'm not one to typically call on to someone for help, but it's all starting to feel like too much. I've been cutting myself since 2006. I have my good spurts, but I always end up relapsing. My parents are talking about putting me back into therapy, but they've been saying that for a year and a half now. I'm currently In a relapse stage. It's been a week since I cut last, and my parents have no idea. I want to tell them but I'm scared. I don't like secrets... I'm a disappointment again...

Hey don’t ever say you’re a disappointment. You are what you tell yourself you are. The problem is, it’s been so long it has become a routine. So, let’s start with little steps. You’ve been a week without cutting, it’s great. You’re doing great, alright? Repeat that to yourself, every day. The first mistake is thinking ‘It doesn’t matter how long I last, I’ll cut again someday anyway’. Because you’re predisposing your mind to it. Repeat to yourself every damn day ‘I can do this’ ‘I will do this’ until you believe it yourself. And if you relapse, that’s alright. It’s just a little stumble, get up and try again. It’s a long way, and if you try to run to get there you’ll get tired easily. So, walk, calmly but unstoppably. It’s good that you want to tell your parents. I’ve never thought it was good to keep secrets, especially those which can hurt yourself by doing so. Simply tell them, don’t be dramatic over it and be clear. Tell them you’re trying your hardest and that you want to go back to therapy because you feel it’d help you. Don’t be scared of this, try not to turn it into some kind of taboo. I promise you’ll get through this if you keep trying and never stop. And I promise I’ll try to do everything in my power to help you. I don’t believe in lost causes, and you certainly are not one of them. Tell encouraging words to yourself every day, even if you don’t believe in them at first. It’s all on your mind love, you can cure yourself. Keep holding on, because you deserve to get better x

-M

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Anonymous asked: Help! I promised myself I would never cut myself on my arms again (bc it's bad on the vein and if I roll up my arms it shows) but I did last night. I do dishes every night so help idk what to do how can I hide them?? They're just below my elbow.

I suggest you to put some bandages or band aids on them and make up and excuse. If the cuts doesn’t show and you keep a convinced face if they ask, there’s no way for anyone to find out. Another way is buying dishwashing gloves and say the detergent is bad for your skin (which is true). You can use 3/4 shirts, but that depends on how much it can cover your cuts. Try to switch between those options until the wounds form a scab and you can cover them with makeup. Please keep trying love, alright? You’re doing fine, just don’t give up. Take care x

-M

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Anonymous asked: About a couple weeks ago I had gotten a brand new razor blade and when cutting I accidentally pushed down harder then I meant to and it was open and it really scared me. Its healed over now but its really big and raised and pink. It still kind of hurts underneath if you press on it and I think I might have needed stitches so I just wanted some advice

Well, first of all, always make sure it’s clean and if it’s necessary put a bandage or a band aid with Neosporin (or a similar antibacterial cream). Check on it every day to see if it has improved. It’s normal to hurt, don’t worry about that. If it’s already formed a scab I think it’ll be ok, but make sure it doesn’t reopen or get infected. Please be careful love, there’re some places that are really dangerous. For example your thighs. There you have the Femoral Artery and its blood comes directly from the heart. Wrists can be dangerous too, if you cut too deep. A relative of mine cut accidentally there and cut her tendon, she lost all the mobility of his fingers. Tendon damage can result in permanent loss of the use of limbs and extremities; and nerve damage can result in permanent pain, and in the worse possible case, paralysis. I’m not saying you should look for ‘safer’ places to cut, no place if safe. Because what you’re doing it hurting yourself; and that is, as the word says it: to cause physical damage or pain, to injure. I’m not telling you to stop right now, just please start trying little by little yeah? Take care, and if you need more advice just ask me x

-M

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subliminal-pornography asked: Hey. Um I deleted my old blog but it's me again - can you talk to me when you get the chance? I'm just... I really do need someone to try to help and understand me... please

Of course love. I’m here, you can talk to me whenever. Alright?

-M

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sadhippiesceneilluminatijesus asked: Hey.. My name's Rocky. I saw your blog and I just really want some help. I cut and I keep trying to stop and it's really hard for me. I just need someone to talk to that can try to understand me so... if you could try to help me... that would be amazing... thank you...

Hi Rocky. You can talk to me about anything you want, that’s why I’m here after all. I’ll understand and I swear I won’t judge you, I’m no one to do so. If you’d like to, tell me more about the situation. So I can give you more specific advice and know you a little more. Alright love? It’s alright, I’ll always be here if you ever need to talk to someone.

-M

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Anonymous asked: I have burn scars, I was wondering how to remove/fade them? If you know how. I really need to get rid of them as quick as possible thanks love xx

There’s no way of getting rid of them completely, unfortunately. I’ve read there are some ways of making them fade a little, but I haven’t proved them myself. Here are the options I found: Mederma; cocoa butter; aloe vera; honey; lemon juice; scar creams, ointments and gels. These treatments need to be applied several times a day for as long as it’s necessary. You can ask a dermatologist to be more sure. Meanwhile, try applying some makeup on it. I think that’s the best option. I really hope I could help you. Take care love xx

-M

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Anonymous asked: I'd gone for almost a year without cutting, but then a month or so ago I cut again, and I've just been really stressed about grades and I've got an eating problem, but I can't talk to my parents about it, and I don't know how to deal with it.. My boyfriend knows about all of this and he's been trying to help, but he's depressed as well, and I cut last night and we were texting after that and I told him, and then he told me that if I cut again he's going to as well.. Idk what to do, I can't stop

Well first of all, please don’t torture yourself because you relapsed. That happened to me too, I went a year without cutting and relapsed and then relapsed again after seven months. It’s ok, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of everything. On the contrary, it has a good side. You’re distancing the time between each cut and that’s an improvement. As for your parents, it’s alright, I can’t talk to them about it either. That’s why you need to find a friend or someone you trust to whom you can go when you feel bad. But never keep everything to yourself, that can harm you a lot with time. 

It’s not the best thing he could tell you, but it’s because it’s the only way he finds to stop you from doing it. It happened the same with me and a friend. He’s told me that and I have as well. Because in those moments when someone you love tells you that, the only thing you feel you can do is hurt yourself too so they aren’t alone. And it has helped, sometimes. But the problem is, when it doesn’t, it feels a lot worse. You feel guilty, like you failed them. You need to talk to him, make him understand. Because saying that would just harm you both. Promise each other you’ll try, yeah? And that you will be there for each other every time you fall. It’s the best you can do, support each other. Take care x

-M

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Anonymous asked: So I tried telling my boyfriend I self harmed and I tried to work into it and before I told him he said how stupid it was and everything... What do I do? I feel like I carnt tell him

Don’t feel bad if he says that, it’s normal for someone to think that when they don’t understand it. He needs to learn about it a little more and he’ll start to understand. I think he won’t judge you if you tell him, but I don’t know him as well as you do. If you don’t feel very sure about this, start by telling someone else first. Someone you trust as much as him. This will give you more confidence when it comes the time of telling him. But don’t be scared that people will judge you. I know it’s not something most people do, but it doesn’t mean we’re freaks. We just have different problems. Good luck love, take care x

-M

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Anonymous asked: So I've stopped cutting but I still have the urges...I do exercise and paint to stop the feeling but it never seems to go away... Can u give me advice how to stop it completely ?

It doesn’t exist a solution that can make you stop completely as fast as we wish, unfortunately. It takes a lot of patience and willpower. The urge can last a long time, even when you already stopped cutting. The idea is lengthen the distance of time between every time you cut, until you finally stop. Cutting can be compared to an addiction, in a way. Therefore, stopping isn’t easy. It’s not impossible either, never think that. You’re doing very good love, you need to keep going like that. Maybe you already read this, but I’ll leave the link here just in case. I have more information and tips in my blog if you’d like to check it out, maybe you can find something useful. I’m so sorry I can’t give you what you want, I really wish I could. But I can promise you that if you don’t give up, you’ll do this. Concentrate on stop cutting first. It doesn’t matter if the urge is still there, what matters is what you do with it. Try to keep ignoring it and one day it’ll sound stupid every time it pops on your mind, and one day it will disappear completely. I repeat, this is not impossible. I certainly convinced you can get through this. Stay strong, just keep trying, even if this is not what you wanted me to tell you. Please keep trying, you can talk to me again if you need to alright? Take care x

-M

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Anonymous asked: Hi it's the girl who wants to cover her stomach scars. The situation is my parents don't care. They want the perfect family and act like it making any problems hidden. Me and my parents don't talk, and I've never talked about a serious thing in my life I just don't have the relationship. I carnt tell them they are one minded people to them the world is black an white. Also some of it was because most the time all they do is throw insults at me like all the time. They cannot know for that reason

I see.. Well, you can cover them with a tee shirt. There’s no need for you to roll it up or take it off in front of them. Unless you’re going to wear a bikini or something like that, but you can always replace it with a one piece swimming suit. If the wounds have healed you can also cover them with makeup too, if you want to be more sure. And hey, just because your parents are like that with you it doesn’t mean that no one cares about your problems, alright? Talk to a friend or someone you trust every time you need somebody to hear. Take care love x

-M

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Anonymous asked: so i havent cut in about 170 days, but i think about it almost every day today in health we talked about "snap" decisions that are usually not good and thats what happened with most of my cutting, but ive been thinking about it so much lately. I just really want to stay clean until my concert in july because the band im seeing help me try to stop. I also bit the skin arounf my thumbs and im wondering if that at all counts as self harm (sometimes i do it without noticing) and how to stop?

"…ok i was the one who mentioned staying clean til a concert and after looking at your playlist i saw you have them on there (fall out boy)"

Everything you do to hurt yourself on purpose because you find some kind of relief on it, counts as self harm. It can be anything. Maybe it has became a habit, that’s why you do it without realizing. But don’t overthink about that. Just see it as a bad habit you need to quit, not as self harm. Congratulations for your 170 days by the way! I’m not telling you to stop counting, you can do it if it makes you feel better. But one time my psychologist told me to stop counting the months (the days in your case), but it was more like a suggestion. But now I understand why. I feel kind of less chained to my self harm, in a way. I can forget when I relapse more easily and move on faster. Anyway, that’s my case. You can try what works better for you, both methods are useful in different ways.

Oh I’m glad that someone looks at my playlist ^-^ It’s basically a little medley of my iTunes. I really like them too, and I’m so jealous of you! :P I have a band and one artist in particular that have helped me get through many of my bad days. Now that we’re talking about music… Music (along with drawing) are some of my ‘escapes’, that also happen to be my passions. Basically, stop cutting starts with fighting against the urge and those thoughts that make you do it, at my point of view. But sometimes a good way of fighting them is ignoring them, running to somewhere safe. And you do that with distractions. Drawing or singing or reading or whatever you like doing. The urge eventually goes away if you concentrate and enjoy what you’re doing. The point is taking your mind out of it. So, I think you should try to do that. You can always come to me if you feel it isn’t working for you, I’ll always be here. Take care love and good luck in the concert x

-M

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